Joke Tuesday.

THIS IS A KEEPER!!!!

It happened at a New York Airport. This is hilarious. I wish I had the guts of this girl. An award should go to the United Airlines gate agent in New York for being smart and funny, while making her point, when confronted with a passenger who probably deserved to fly as cargo. For all of you out there who have had to deal with an irate customer, this one is for you.

A crowded United Airlines flight was cancelled. A single agent was re-booking a long line of inconvenienced travelers.

Suddenly, an angry passenger pushed his way to the desk. He slapped his ticket on the counter and said, "I HAVE to be on this flight and it has to be FIRST CLASS."

The agent replied, "I'm sorry, sir. I'll be happy to try to help you, but I've got to help these folks first; and then I'm sure we'll be able to work something out."

The passenger was unimpressed. He asked loudly, so that the passengers behind him could hear, "DO YOU HAVE ANY IDEA WHO I AM?"

Without hesitating, the agent smiled and grabbed her public address microphone. "May I have your attention, please?", she began, her voice heard clearly throughout the terminal. "We have a passenger here at Gate 14 WHO DOES NOT KNOW WHO HE IS. If anyone can help him with his identity, please come to Gate 14".

With the folks behind him in line laughing hysterically, the man glared at the United Airlines agent, gritted his teeth, and said, "F*** You!"

Without flinching, she smiled and said, "I'm sorry sir, you'll have to get in line for that, too."

Life isn't about how to survive the storm, but how to dance in the rain.

Pub news.

Yet again the pub was packed! Only 6 booked in, all the rest just arrived ad hoc. I reckon they secretly collude with each other and then say, "right, let's hit him"!!

On other bits of drivel, does anyone know what we have to do to kickstart this global warming thing? We've got buckets of snow forecast this weekend!!

My Final Will ! I was sitting at the computer the other day , completing an on line will, & called out to my wife, "WHEN I DIE, I'M GOING TO LEAVE EVERYTHING TO YOU, MY LOVE!"   SHE SHOUTED BACK "YOU ALREADY DO, YOU LAZY B *#": RD !! "

Pub news.

Would you believe it after yesterday, another full house!!

Pub news.

Sunday lunch. My favourite day of the week, as I get to scoff the delicious roasts that Kerry the chef cooks. That's not to say I don't enjoy what Dad cooks, but Sunday roasts have always been relished.

I arrived at the usual time and pre-ordered my lunch (not that I have to), and Kelly the landlady was putting up balloons and streamers for a 70th birthday party. There were 120+ having a hog roast buffet at 4pm onwards. They all arrived at 2pm and the place was rammed! When Dad arrived at 3pm I had to wait whilst he got the car from the top of the car park, (I can't walk that far uphill). Luckily it had stopped snowing!

There will be a few sore heads in the morning!

Joke Tuesday.

Your Duck is Dead!! A good story! For anybody who's had some tests at the doctor's office lately... Your Duck is Dead-- A woman brought a very limp duck into a veterinary surgeon. As she laid her pet on the table, the vet pulled out his stethoscope and listened to the bird's chest. After a moment or two, the vet shook his head and sadly said, "I'm sorry, your duck, Cuddles, has passed away." The distressed woman wailed, "Are you sure?" "Yes, I am sure. Your duck is dead," replied the vet.. "How can you be so sure?" she protested. "I mean you haven't done any testing on him or anything. He might just be in a coma or something." The vet rolled his eyes, turned around and left the room. He returned a few minutes later with a black Labrador Retriever. As the duck's owner looked on in amazement, the dog stood on his hind legs, put his front paws on the examination table and sniffed the duck from top to bottom. He then looked up at the vet with sad eyes and shook his head. The vet patted the dog on the head and took it out of the room. A few minutes later he returned with a cat. The cat jumped on the table and also delicately sniffed the bird from head to foot. The cat sat back on its haunches, shook its head, meowed softly and strolled out of the room. The vet looked at the woman and said, "I'm sorry, but as I said, this is most definitely, 100% certifiably, a dead duck." The vet turned to his computer terminal, hit a few keys and produced a bill, which he handed to the woman.. The duck's owner, still in shock, took the bill. "$150!" she cried, "$150 just to tell me my duck is dead!" The vet shrugged, "I'm sorry. If you had just taken my word for it, the bill would have been $20, but with the Lab Report and the Cat Scan, it's now $150." Thanks to "The Chairman" and his son, Ross.

Pub news.

Mother's Day approaches.

Although my mother died 13 years ago, negating the need for gifts, etc, I was tickled to read this on one of my friends Facebook page.

"Don't forget to treat your mother to a bottle of wine on Mother's Day. After all, you're the reason she drinks!"

Paul has 150 booked in on Mother's Day for lunch!!

Joke Tuesday.

MANURE.. An interesting fact

Manure: In the 16th and 17th centuries, everything had to be
transported by ship and it was also before the invention of commercial
fertilizers, so large shipments of manure were quite common.

It was shipped dry, because in dry form it weighed a lot less than when
wet, but once water (at sea) hit it, not only did it become heavier,
but the process of fermentation began again, of which a byproduct is
methane gas of course. As the stuff was stored below decks in bundles
you can see what could (and did) happen.
Methane began to build up below decks and the first time someone came
below at night with a lantern, BOOOOM!

Several ships were destroyed in this manner before it was determined
just what was happening

After that, the bundles of manure were always stamped with the
instruction ' Stow high in transit ' on them, which meant for the
sailors to stow it high enough off the lower decks so that any water
that came into the hold would not touch this volatile cargo and start
the production of methane.

Thus evolved the term ' S.H.I.T ' , (Stow High In Transit) which has
come down through the centuries and is in use to this very day.

You probably did not know the true history of this word.

Neither did I.

I had always thought it was a golf term.