Pub news # 3.

It's been a sort of deja-vu day. It was like the Merrie Monk, but in different surroundings!

Di, the old soaker landlady came over to see me. Also in the pub were half of the old locals!

Di has not lost her ability to create mayhem out of normal life.

Just before Christmas she went shopping with her mate Julia. They shared a trolley, which Di was pushing round. They got separated,(as women do) and when Julia found Di she was pushing someone elses trolley!!

She is coming over again on Friday, so goodness knows what will have happened by then!

Joke Tuesday.

Two women were playing golf. One teed off and watched in horror as her ball headed directly toward a foursome of men playing the next hole.

The ball hit one of the men.

He immediately clasped his hands together at his groin, fell to the ground and proceeded to roll around in agony.

The woman rushed down to the man, and immediately began to apologise.

'Please allow me to help. I'm a Physical Therapist and I know I could relieve your pain if you'd allow me, she told him.

'Oh, no, I'll be all right. I'll be fine in a few minutes,' the man replied...

He was in obvious agony, lying in the fetal position, still clasping his hands there at his groin.

At her persistence, however, he finally allowed her to help.

She gently took his hands away and laid them to the side, loosened his pants and put her hands inside.

She administered tender and artful massage for several long moments and asked, 'How does that feel, doesn't that feel better'?

He replied: 'Oh yes, it feels great, but I still think my thumb's broken!

Pub news # 2

Boxing Day 2010. Whilst eating my delicious tempura battered prawns, the loose front tooth I have had for years fell out!

As there is no pain, I might leave it be. It makes me look quite rugged!

My parents led me to believe in Santa when I was a kid. Where's the bloody tooth fairy, the bitch?!!

I know this is a time of austerity, but come on! Give a cripple a quid for his tooth! It wont bankrupt an already bankrupt nation.

On second thoughts, make it £1.50, it'll buy me a half in the pub!!

Merry Christmas

A Merry Christmas and a Good New Year to all from me, Keith. (You know, the person who really runs this blog).

Well that's the pleasantries over with, now over to my second-in-command, John. [Did you know he double-crossed me today? All together now, "SHAME!"

Pub news # 1.

Right, let's get the seasons greetings crap out of the way!

MERRY CHRISTMAS!

Three of my mates came to the pub at lunchtime for a couple of pints, so I treated them to a platter of tempura battered king prawns on a bed of salad with three dips of sweet chilli,cream cheese and garlic mayonnaise.

This went down so well that we had some more! All for £12.00!

Bah, humbug!

Joke Tuesday.

She was standing in the kitchen, preparing our usual
Soft-boiled eggs and toast for breakfast, wearing only
The 'T' shirt that she normally slept in.
As I walked in, almost awake, she turned to me and said
Softly, “You’ve got to make love to me this very moment!"

My eyes lit up and I thought, "I am either still dreaming
Or this is going to be my lucky day!"
Not wanting to lose the moment, I embraced her and then
Gave it my all; right there on the kitchen table.

Afterwards she said, "Thanks," and returned to the stove,
Her T-shirt still around her neck.
Happy, but a little puzzled, I asked,
"What was that all about?"
She explained, "The egg timer's broken."

New pub news.

I've used The Hollybush for 30 years. It is now my lunchtime haunt. A more welcoming landlord you couldn't wish for. I'm settled in and there are old friends I haven't seen for years. The memories are still there, and good they are!



But it isn't the Merrie Monk!

Joke Tuesday.

The Pope was having a shower. Although he's very strict about celibacy, he occasionally felt he needed 'to exercise the Papal wrist', and this happened to be one of those occasions.

Just as he reached the Papal climax he saw a photographer taking a picture of the Holy seed flying through the air.

'Hold on a minute!', said the Pope, 'You can't do that - you'll destroy the reputation of the Church!'

'This is my big lottery win,' said the photographer, 'I'll be financially secure for life with these photos!'

So the Pope offered to buy the camera from the photographer. After much negotiation they eventually settled on a figure of 2,000,000 Euros.

The Pope clothed himself and headed off to destroy the images on the camera.

Along the vast Vatican hallways he bumped into his personal housekeeper.

Being a bit of a photography buff she noticed the camera and said, 'That looks like a really expensive digital SLR camera, how much did it cost you?'

Not being one to lie, the Pope replied,'... two million Euros...'

'TWO MILLION EUROS!' replied the housekeeper. ' - They must have seen you coming.

Tragedy!

Pub news. (The last post)

The day I didn't want to happen has arrived.

THE PUB IS SHUT!

I'm unsure what to do next. I might leave this blog open and create a new blog. What say you?

I'm gutted!

Garden pics.

This is what the mild winter that our inept Met Office told us to expect looks like!

View from the back garden.Temp...-10C!

View from front garden. Temp....-10C!

This, according to the BBC, is 'global warming'!

Joke Tuesday.

WIFE: "What would you do if I died? Would you get married again?"
HUSBAND: "Definitely not!"

WIFE: "Why not - don't you like being married?"
HUSBAND: "Of course I do."
WIFE: "Then why wouldn't you remarry?"
HUSBAND: "Okay, I'd get married again."

WIFE: "You would? (with a hurtful look on her face)."
HUSBAND: (makes audible groan).
WIFE: "Would you sleep with her in our bed?"
HUSBAND: "Where else would we sleep?"

WIFE: "Would you replace my pictures with hers?"
HUSBAND: "That would seem like the proper thing to do."

WIFE: "Would she use my golf clubs?"
HUSBAND: "No, she's left-handed."
WIFE: - - - silence - - -
HUSBAND: "Shit."


Thanks K.B.

Pub news.

As you now know, the pub is closing soon.

Di, our everso lovely soaker landlady took a phone call the other day from somebody who wanted to come round and check there were no rats in the out-buildings that are due for demolition.

"Ok",she agreed.

"The only thing i've seen here in three and a half years is a mouse,and the cat bought that in",she said as she showed them around.

Upon reaching the back of the kitchen the lady inspector is looking up at a hole in the roof. "What are you looking for?", asks Di. "Droppings", replies the lady. "It could be a nest site."

"They are rare and protected you know", said the inspector. "Rare and protected?", said Di. "I thought they were vermin!", "Oh,no", said the lady.

After no traces of rats were found (they didn't check the bar)they gave the place the ok.

After this story had been told to the Sunday night mob, it dawned on Di what they were actually looking for!

BATS!!